Some Top Ways to Help Others Grieving This Holiday Season

By Miki Speer

Artist behind the popular grief song, See Me

“Please don’t bring her up, please don’t bring her up…” I remember thinking to myself at the Christmas Eve service during 8th grade – it was the first Christmas since my mom lost her battle to cancer and I was so emotionally distraught that it took everything in me not to start tearing up when the situation was brought up.

I knew they all meant well with their well wishes and sympathetic eyes, and yet all I wanted was be treated like a normal person so I could get through Christmas without embarrassingly crying in public again.

“Why is no one bringing him up?” Tammy, whose son recently passed away at 19 years old, asked herself as the many family members hustled by getting the food ready for Thanksgiving dinner. “Has everyone else really forgotten about him? Am I the only one who is desperately missing him!?”

She wanted someone, ANYONE, to share her grief and cherished stories of her son with – but the group was silent and her heart crumbled even more.

Grief, especially during the holidays, is unfortunately an experience that binds every human at some point – and yet, this common emotion manifests can look so very different from one person to the next.

Whether you are currently grieving, or love somebody who is, it is hard to know exactly what to do during the time of year that seems to reopen healing wounds with a vengeance. It is even harder to know how to support a group of people grieving in very different ways.

If it is on your heart to help the people in your life grieving this holiday season, thank you. You would be amazed at how many people are simply too busy to think twice about it.

The two main things we need to ask are, “How can I help?” and “How can I gauge?”

As far as how to help, we have TONS of tips below.

As far as how to gauge (what a griever wants to do), use the “Dive In” or “Stay in the Boat” test. Think of grief as an ocean – some days, people want to dive in and talk, share, and cry with others. Other days, they would rather stay completely dry in the boat and try to feel normal for a minute. Keep your eyes peeled for, “DIVE IN OR BOAT?” later on.

Let’s get started!

STOP 1: What is your honest relationship with the griever(s)?

Knowing how tight we are with someone allows us to know what ways to help are appropriate for that level of friendship – making sure we don’t grievers in an uncomfortable position.

Group 1: ACQUAINTANCE

You might fall into the “acquaintance” category, or even the, “I don’t know them at all but I want to help,” category, which, if you do, God bless. If your gentle heart finds its way here, you absolutely can help this season in ways that will mean more than you could ever imagine – stay tuned.

Group 2: FRIENDS AND FAMILY

There is no shame in saying that you aren’t the best of best friends with someone. Even if you love your family, there is no denying that some people are closer than others. So, if you fall into the “we’re not SUPER close, but we have known each other for awhile…” category, the great news is that you still can make a huge impact on them! It will just be in a way that respects the boundaries of the relationship you two have established over all those years.

Group 3: BEST FRIENDS, BEST FAMILY

You know who your best friends are, and yes, some of them are family members. Grievers are no different – so, if you consider the two of you really close, GREAT! Having a dear friend is one of God’s sweetest gifts, I firmly believe that. But with every gift comes a responsibility – I mean it when I say I hope you are willing to actually step up because you belong to the group of which the most is expected.

Odds are, if you’re that close, you might be grieving the same person. If that is you, THANK YOU for recognizing that you are not as close to the loss as someone else (example: a sister-in-law who recognizes that while her nephew’s death is hard for her, it is not as hard as it is on his parents) and for being willing to help during your difficult time.

STOP 2: What kind of situation(s) are you preparing for?

Now that we know how close we are to the griever(s), it is time to ask ourselves what’s

Situation 1: There’s no specific event in mind, you just want to help someone grieving this season outside of a holiday party.

Situation 2: You have a gathering where everyone in the group is grieving (example: Family Christmas gathering post loss of a valued family member), but you are not the ‘closest’ to the loss.

Situation 3: You have a gathering where someone in the group is grieving, but not everyone in the group is grieving (example: Old college buddies and their spouses getting together and someone recently lost a _____).

Situation 4: You’re hosting AND you’re the closest to the loss (which hey, stop reading if you’d like because you can do whatever the hell you want!)

STOP 3: ACTION!

Now we are going to break it down by each ‘situation’ and give you some background on things to keep in mind, as well as some helpful ideas to put into practice. We will start with the broadest group and narrow it down from there. For example, if you a stranger, you would read through your section and then jump to the next. If you are close, you should consider doing ALL things under the list, not just ones in your category.

Please read “Situation 1” and then feel free to jump to the next one applicable to yourself.

SITUATION 1: Nothing in mind, just trying to help

First of all, bless you if you are in this frame of mind – seriously. As I think back to when my mom died, it really was the little things friends, family, and even strangers did that jumped out the most at such an awful time.

GROUP 1: Acquaintance

You just want to help and you are an ANGEL because of it. That being said, if you want to talk with them about their grief, you are in for some disappointment. Asking them to share their deepest pain with a stranger is like asking them to strip in public – very rude, if that wasn’t clear.

Instead, you get to be the silent benefactors who get to do something impactful and watch those closer to them handle the harder things. These things are the foundation though! And who knows! Maybe the person grieving will be so tickled pink by your generosity that they’d eventually see you as someone they’d like to open up with – but again, don’t hold your breath.

Greet them with, “It’s nice to see you.” Be sure to say this instead of “How are you?” because how the %#!* do you think they’re doing? This gives them a kind greeting that doesn’t put them on the spot in a public place that was probably hard enough to get to as it is because remember: grieving people know you know, they know you’re thoughts are racing as they walk by, and they really, really just want to buy cheese.
DIVE IN OR BOAT? Most of the time people would rather not dive in at a grocery store, but you can always ask them if you feel like they are giving you vibes that they have something to say.
Don’t say, “If there’s anything you need, just let me know.” Just… don’t. At the end of the day, this is only said to make YOU feel better when in reality you gave a half-assed offer to someone you know will never take you up on it. INSTEAD, say, “Hey, can I connect with you on Facebook or grab your number? I’d love to do _____ for you soon.” (Note, only do this if you actually plan on following through with that).

Mail / “quickly drop off” a gift card that would cover a meal

If the person who passed away had children at home, this is UNBELIEVABLY needed and powerful, but I have yet to meet anyone turn down a gift card with a nice note attached that they can read in the privacy of their home. Make sure it is from a place that delivers in case they don’t feel like going out, and if you want to make my gluten-free / dairy-free heart sing, try to get a place that has alternatives to for common allergies.
DIVE IN OR BOAT? Remember, MOST people will never dive in with an acquaintance, but some do. And since you’re at their house, this might be a great time to ask, “Would you like to talk about ___ right now?”

Buy them a non-grief related gift

Especially kind if you buy kids who lost a parent some extra presents this year. But for any age, this is not the time to send them a book on loss – but rather what do YOU like? Maybe there’s a candle that smells amazing, or a gift card to their favorite team’s apparel shop. Throw in a quick “thinking of you!” note and you’re set!
Mail them a card / send them a private message
Maybe you don’t know them well, BUT you have been in their shoes and want to send a note of encouragement / song (need one? Check mine out! See Me) / poem – great! Just make sure this isn’t done in public where they’d feel pressure to read it in front of you. Don’t ask deep questions, expect a response, or hope to gain a new best friend – but it is still nice of you to say something. Maybe they will love to hear that someone else has been where they are and start to talk back, I don’t know! Just please don’t be offended if that isn’t their response. HOWEVER, thinking back to being 13 and grieving, I would also try to get their address and attach said note to a gift!

GROUP 2: Friends and Family

Honestly, this is a hard spot to be in – you want to see how they are doing, buuuttt you don’t want to feel like you’re putting them in an awkward spot… you want to give, but don’t know what is too skimpy – so what does one do?

For starters, relax – doing ANYTHING is better than nothing, and the list above is a great place to start. So start by picking a few of the ones above and then consider adding this:

Write / message them a more personal note

Instead of a simple, “I’m thinking of you,” why not go a little deeper? Throw in some of the great things that you remember about the person who passed since you knew them, add a picture you have of them from way back in the day that made you simple, etc. Again, this is best accompanied with a gift, which leads me to…

Bring them a meal and chat a bit

You’re friends, right? You have their number? Then call ahead, say, “I WANT to bring you a meal, when is a good time and what do you like?” and then make sure you bring enough (my family were big eaters, sorry).
When you drop it off, I’d still have a card that goes deeper into your sympathy AND I would sprinkle in something you loved about the person who died. This is an amazing time to remind them that LOTS of people, like yourself, miss the loved one too and that they aren’t alone in their grief this season.
DIVE IN OR BOAT? You’ll get to see the person everyone has been wondering about face to face – this is a great way for you to express your sadness and ask them how they are doing IF that is what they want to talk about. So, as always, just ask.They probably won’t want to go too in depth, and that’s ok, so just roll with whatever vibes they give you.
If you want to be a champ, do a follow up in a week and ask AGAIN if you can bring over a meal, or a gift, or tea / coffee – asking if they need anything
Bring them a grief related gift

Maybe you saw a lovely plaque with a saying on loss that touched your heart – great! Just try to stay away from very personal things, like a candle with the loved ones face on it and books you haven’t read – now isn’t the time to all of a sudden pretend to be a grief counselor. However, if you have a book that you DID read and loved while you were grieving, awesome. If you want to do something creative, like get their signature on a picture frame and put a family photo in it, I would just call ahead and ask first.

DIVE IN OR BOAT? Just ask. You can always say YOUR truth, but don’t expect them to say anything in return.
Offer to take something off their plate this season
If the family has kids at home, MAN will this be big.
Offer to not only buy the kids some gifts, but maybe help take the kids shopping so they can buy presents
Offer to wrap gifts
Take the kids to a movie while the parent shops
Buy the adult a gift card for someone to come clean the house
Offer to do a grocery run for them, etc.
Anyone grieving, regardless of age or kids status, has things on their to-do list they’d really rather not do. Always offer up actual suggestions first, and if nothing seems to click, say, “What is on your plate this week that I can help with?”
DIVE IN OR BOAT? (Kid edition!) If you’re hanging with grieving kids, remember they most likely don’t want to talk to you about it if they aren’t super close with you – however, you can always ask them this, “Would you like me to tell you one of my favorite memories about your ____?” Gauge how confident they are in their answer, and react accordingly.

GROUP 3: Best Friends and Best Family

If you are truly close to the griever(s), please know that they trust you the most and therefore you have the HIGHEST chance of them opening up to you, but even so, it still might not happen – and that’s ok.

I don’t mean to scare you, but if this person is someone YOU would call if something tragic happened to you, they need you in this moment. Please don’t shy away because you don’t know what to do (that’s why I’m here!) and please don’t forget how awful you would feel if someone close to you was too busy to be there after someone you loved died.

So, please STILL do things from the other sections, I can’t stress this enough, they are really, really important, but in addition to that, the things below are crucial.

Also, with every situation we will be covering, you need to make sure you let the griever know that whatever plans you two come up with are totally able to change and doesn’t have to happen that day – give them the freedom to look forward to plans, as well as pull back if it isn’t the right time.

Lastly, I know you might be grieving the same person – please be sure to let them know that you are struggling too – it is oddly comforting to know other people are still thinking about your loved one as well.

Time.

I know it’s hard, but your time consistently given during the first year is the most valuable thing you can give. You are one of the FEW people this griever trusts enough to invite you into the house to stay – don’t take that lightly.
It is painfully easy to be too busy and forget about the griever, but please try to remember that grievers never ask for help. When we are asked that god-awful question of, “You’ll let me know if you need anything, right?” we always say, “Yep,” and never call you back.
By NOT giving your time, you can unintentionally be ruining your relationship with this person (happens more than you’d think). So if you don’t want to be known as “that person I was close to before ____ died,” please give your time by doing the things below.

Call. Ask. Stop over to their house. Ask.

Even if they aren’t ready to talk about the hard stuff, just having someone who constantly checks (phone or in person) is a godsend. In addition to just shooting the breeze and catching up about lighter topics, which is always appreciated, it is OK to ask them (privately) when the last time they saw their doctor was and remind them that that is important to do that after loss.
If you’re sensing that they are really low, it is OK to ask them if they have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning or are feeling like they might hurt themselves. It is also OK to ask if they are seeing a counselor or going to group therapy and encourage them to do so (even offer to drive with them there!). Remember, you are the CLOSEST to them – if you aren’t checking in on them, who is?
Overtime, these questions will get easier and they will talk about their grief if they want to. I hate to stereotype, but women tend to be more open with how they are feeling, so when that time comes, awesome. If the person you’re talking with is a lock and key, then it is ok to still ask every once in awhile if they are seeing their doctor, letting them know you care, and then jump back to just catching up.

“Bring the loved one into the room”

While talking, always be sure to drop a few, “Man, I loved it when ____ did ____, he was so funny!” Or ask, “As we sit to order pizza, what was ____ ‘s favorite pizza?”
They might give you a quick answer, and that’s ok, but remember to invite the loved one into the room with you – the griever might desperately want to do that, but feels awkward taking the first step because they don’t want to be seen as pushy.
DIVE IN OR BOAT? They still don’t have to tell you anything, so still ask what they’d prefer. But, don’t forget to still ask those hard “checking in” questions.

Dinner together

Bring them a meal that you will eat together – or take them out to dinner at a place where you can have a private booth. In addition to the wonderful gift of good food for them, this is your time to check in, listen, and be what they need you to be.
DIVE IN OR BOAT? If the person is still closed off, that’s ok – ask, “I know the elephant in the room is the death of ____, but what else would you like to talk about?”

Do something fun!

If you are close, a trip to getting nails done or going to a sports game is great – it gets them out of the house and hopefully do something that makes them happy. However, they might not be ready yet, so a safe thing to do is put a few dates out there (and an alternative activity) and see if anything clicks – if “they are busy for all of them,” it’s time to take the hint that they aren’t ready.
DIVE IN OR BOAT? Before you get there, just ask if they would like you to mention their loved one at all if a thought crosses your mind like, “Oh, I remember when ____ and all the kids went to see this movie here-” They might really enjoy those little memories, others might hate them.

Offer to help with the hard things

Beyond the to-do list, there are a lot of tough things that grievers have to do that they probably are avoiding, things that are much more personal than grocery shopping. Some things could be helping organize the belongings of the deceased (or at least offering to get bins and boxes ready for them), help putting up some decorations if they are left to do it alone this year / have someone living with them not interested in doing that.
They might say no, but it never hurts to offer specific ways to help – NOT assume they will simply ask you to come over and help with those things.
Another hard thing might be getting to the grief group or the doctor like we mentioned before – how can you help them do that?

Bring them a grief gift

Ok – so a grief gift coming someone they barely know is often weird, but from you? Priceless. A picture frame of all of you together on a trip, a book you heard was very helpful, a grief candle with the deceased’s face on it that they can choose to light if they want, a Christmas ornament with the loved ones face, a photo album you put together, a long note with some of your favorite memories – all treasured.
DIVE IN OR BOAT? Again, anytime you’re in their house, just ask!

Ask if they’d like to do a craft / time of remembrance

Because you two are close, you are one of the few people who should be asking to help them with their grief. One great way to do that is by offering up some creative ways to honor their loss.
Bring the grave a mini Christmas tree
Create an ornament in their memory
Light a candle in their memory and talk all about their favorite Christmas memories (there will be tears)
Scrap book
Help them pick out, cut, and arrange tee shirts for a tee shirt quilt
They might say no, but if you ask them to do some specific activities, you just might be surprised who says yes. But please, for ALL THAT IS HOLY, do not, not, not invite someone not considered ‘Group 3’ to them to the event – this is for the two of you to share and anyone outside of Group 3’ (which yes, even includes most family members), would kill the vibe.

SITUATION 2: Family Gatherings

Ahhh, family gatherings. How can a time that you’d think be so great for grievers be so hard? Is it because family gatherings are where most of the most treasured memories and traditions take place and that it is dumping salt in the wound when the person you lost is no longer part of those great things? Yes.

However, often times it’s also because the other people at said family gatherings didn’t take the time to think, “Hmmm, if my world was just decimated, how would I like this extremely painful event to go?”

But won’t be you! Regardless of how close you are with the griever, you are going to be aware of some steps you can take to make their family time as easy as it can be, while understanding it will still absolutley be hard.

Group 1 – not really relevant to this situation

Group 2 (Family) and Group 3 (Best Family) are all on the same team here and all hold equal responsibility in making this work. You’re family! You love them dearly – now isn’t the time to split hairs on which aunt is closest to whom. So if God has put this on your heart, dive in!

Identify who is closest to the loss

You’re all grieving! You’re family! But there are those at the party closer than others and THEY should be the ones that set the tone, not the other way around.

Reach out to the host

We will cover how to be a good host to grievers in a bit, but ANYONE can, and should, feel the responsibility of making sure the environment is as good as possible. So before you reach out to the person, connect with the host and put it on their radar too.
“Hey ____, this is obviously the first Thanksgiving without Grandpa John – I think we should try to make sure Grandma is included in the planning this year. Would you like me to talk to her by myself, or would you like to join me in this?”
Some hosts are totally fine letting you take the baton, others? Not so much. Either way, loop them in with what Grandma says.

Call the closest person to the loss

Or ‘people,’ I suppose. Let’s say Grandpa died – then it would be Grandma.
Tell them that you have a few things to ask them about how the upcoming family dinner will be handled and that you want, nay, NEED their input on a few things.
Want something even better? Have a first call telling them that you’d like to talk, and then set a time for a second call for them to gather their thoughts.

Go down the list

DIVE IN OR BOAT? “How much would you like us to talk to you about Grandpa? Is there a sign we can come up with where you can let me know there might be ‘too much Grandpa’ talk? Do you want people to bring it up to you, or wait for your cue? Are there certain people you would like to talk to it about verses some you wouldn’t?”
Remember, there are no wrong answers – now is NOT the time to get offended

Remembrance

“Would you like us to do a small ceremony / time set aside for him?” Please be sure to establish if it’ll be a group activity, or a voluntary. If it is voluntary, be sure there are at least SOME people there to do it by telling them you’re expecting them to do it ahead of time. Some examples include:
A toast – a few people go around and say a few words
A candle on the table – lit in their memory
An empty chair – (careful with this one… most people don’t like it, but a few love it… just make sure kids don’t sit in it accidentally)
A moment of silence – could be the whole group or just a small group that honors them
Special ornaments – everyone in the group could get a special ornament as a gift (just head to Etsy)
Photo Album viewing – set time aside to view photos
Memory share – people go around and share their favorite memory

4. Traditions

Traditions are like a dagger to the heart to some, and to others, they are a breath of fresh air. Some traditions are very special, others aren’t. So think of what you normally do for the holidays and just ask!
“Hey, we normally do ____ – would you like us to keep it the same, change it a bit, or take it out?”
If they say ‘take it out completely’ it can be really tough because that is YOUR tradition too… but remember who is closest to the loss and how painful it might be for them.
So, if you just can’t imagine the holidays without it, tell those members that are upset that you will still do it, just at a different time. But be sure to tell the griever so they don’t find out afterwards. You are allowed to say, “Totally respect that. I do want you to know, however, that after you guys head out, some people still might do it.”

What to bring

They have a lot on their plate right now and might not be up for brining the food they normally do.
Say, “We are not expecting you to do anything food-wise this year. However, is there anything you’d LIKE to bring?”
Only encourage a thing or two. As the day gets closer, ask, “Hey! It is totally ok if you don’t want to bring anything – how’re you feeling about those two things?” Give them an out.

Tell other members

Once you have established what the person prefers, let every family head know and tell them to let their kids know ahead of time. The LAST thing you want is for something to be different and to have the griever feel bad. Picture some whiny kid throwing a tantrum, “Why aren’t there chocolate kiss cookies this year?!”
My response would be, “First of all you little punk, your mom could’ve made those cookies for you if they meant SO much to you that it’d cause you to start acting like an animal-” but thankfully, sassy old me won’t be at your Christmas, and you will tell your kids ahead of time what will be different.

Expect things to not go as planned

Remember, the griever might say one thing during the talk and then have a complete change of heart the day-of. That’s ok. Whatever is rattling your cage from the change is nothing compared to their loss, so try to keep some perspective.

Be ready to take them to a quiet place

Be sure to let them know that they can step out at anytime to catch their breath and recenter. Perhaps you can be an ally for them in that process and try to “ask them for help with something” a few times so they have a moment to breathe – it can be hard to do this on their own, but a few moments of quiet for someone just trying to hold it together can make all the difference.

Have fun and relax

Remember, they might want to have a good time and distract themselves – it’s ok to laugh, cry, play – just make sure it isn’t forced upon them.
You can’t bring their loved one back, so the day is GOING to be hard. Run through this list, do what you can, and understand some hiccups will happen.
If there are multiple people close and they want different things…
It’s tough. Really tough. The last thing you want is someone bursting into tears at an event that is supposed to bring them joy.
Even though I am ALL ABOUT grief activities now – I wasn’t always this way. I think back to when I was a kid who lost their mom- as hard as it is to hear, I was not close enough to every single person in my family to consider them my “best friends” (obviously), so I really, REALLY, didn’t want to talk about my mom because I knew I would burst into tears.

The best way to combat multiple wishes is to:

Talk to all the ‘closest’ people individually
Don’t tell them what the others said so they don’t feel bad for their answers
Be sure all remembrance activities are optional
Give the person who seems the most reluctant a subtle heads up before an event is happening so they can make an excuse to go somewhere else
Try and get them outside a few times still so they can have some quiet time. You don’t have to tell them why, but maybe say, “Hey ____, can you go grab (this strategically placed thing) from the garage?”
Let other family members know who wants what. “Hey, Aunt ___ would love it if you joined for the memory share, but cousin ___ would rather not talk about the loss of his dad, so please don’t bring it up to him unless he wants to talk (which, SPOILER, he won’t).

Situation 3 – Party where most people aren’t grieving

Bob’s wife passed away this year, but he still wants to go to the company’s holiday party!

All of Angie’s college roommates and their families do a big bash every December- she and her husband want to go, but with the loss of their son, she doesn’t know if anyone will treat her normally…

Bob and Angie are facing the reality of so many people grieving right now. They don’t have to go… but they kind of want to, but then again… and the cycle continues.

In addition to many of the things that we talked about earlier (like connecting with the host, reaching out ahead of time to the griever, asking if there is anything they’d like to do differently), there are a few other things you can do to help.

Call them ahead of time
DIVE IN OR BOAT? Just ask! Say, “Hey, some people that will be there will know you well, other won’t. How would you like either group to act? Do you want your friends there to talk about your loss? Would you rather just have an “escape” night? Do you want people to wait until you bring it up and then ask questions from there?”
The more you can flush out on the front end, the better.
Buddy System (for large groups of people) The person / people grieving are PAINFULLY aware that you see them and think of their loss. So when they walk into a room, they feel like everyone is looking at them. Where they might have normally been fine heading to the food solo, it feels extra embarrassing this year. So step up. Text them where you’re sitting before they get there. Be their buddy all night. Keep the conversation light – this is a holiday party for corn’s sake.
Let them know it’s ok to step out. Preferably when it is just you two, say, “Hey, I know this is a hard time of year. No one is expecting you to be here all night or be the most joyous person in the room. So feel free to pop out / head out whenever, we’re just happy to see you.”
DON’T single them out. The last thing, THE LAST THING, anyone grieving who is just trying to enjoy the party wants is for it to stop and have all eyes directed to them. If the host / boss / roommate wants to do a toast, please make sure they clear it with the person ahead of time. However, the safer bet is to make sure the toaster just doesn’t say anything specific at all.
Follow the rules from Situation 1
Say, “It’s good to see you.”

Don’t say, “If you ever need anything…”
Don’t talk about their loss, especially in a group
If you feel like you are in Group 2 or 3, then you should be talking to them / doing things for them outside of this party. AKA – this isn’t the time to say, “Hey, we’re all so sorry about ____. How’re you and the family doing?”
AAHHHH!!! Have you learned nothing!? This. Isn’t. THE. TIME. If you must, and I mean MUST, say when you’re alone with them, “Hey, thinking of you guys at this time. We WILL bring a meal over soon to catch up. Anyways, those Vikings, huh?” If you see someone else asking because they, unlike you, were not savvy enough to read this guide, please step in and change the topic / rescue the person who is just trying to enjoy a party.

Closing Thoughts

At the end of the day, we can’t “fix” someone’s grief situation. Grief is ugly and ever changing, so the only thing we can do is try to help, ask if they’d like to DIVE IN OR BOAT, and then be prepared for needs to change on a dime.

No matter what their response is to all your wonderful gift and questions, this season will be hard for them. THANK YOU for caring for those grieving. I know it might be asking you to give time, money, and energy you do not have, and yet some of you will still find ways to give to these people whose hearts are hurting so badly. Even if they don’t look like it (and in some cases, ESPECIALLY if they don’ t look like it), their hearts are shattered and every little thing you do matters – it doesn’t ‘solve’ anything, but it sure does help.

May the God of kindness who put this wonderful desire of compassion on your heart bless you and your family this holiday season.

Published by momsdishmn